


Oblivion is all you crave

by dudewhoami



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Post-Canon, Temporary Amnesia, clary is a chaotic lesbian, inaccurate description of how bars work cuz i've never been to one, malec are mentioned if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-01
Updated: 2019-08-01
Packaged: 2020-07-28 20:55:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20070448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dudewhoami/pseuds/dudewhoami
Summary: Ever since that day when Clary found herself alone, crying in an empty park with no recollection of the past few months. She’s been trying meticulously to keep her life together. From dreams that made no sense to feelings that left her detached from reality, she was living in a whirlwind of emotions until one day she stumbled upon the Hunter's Moon bar.or Clary meets Maia after losing her memories but before that last scene in the final episode.





	Oblivion is all you crave

**Author's Note:**

> this fic was purely inspired by miss Kat Mcnamara saying that it's only fitting if Clary ended up with Maia, if Jace wasn't there.  
The title is from addicted to love by florence and the machine which gives such a claia vibe so listen to it if you have time.  
I guess this is where I say that English isn't my first language and if you find any mistakes kindly ignore them or tell me so I could fix them. enjoy

Ever since that day when Clary found herself alone, crying in an empty park with no recollection of the past few months. She’s been trying meticulously to keep her life together. She remembers feeling scared, not knowing where she was or how she got there, standing in that park with tears staining her face. The cold wind hitting her exposed skin with vengeance, silence surrounding her making her more aware of her disheveled state. She couldn’t shake the feeling of loss in the back of her head which didn’t leave her to this day.

  
She was taken to the nearest police station where she was asked about her parents or any living relatives. Before she knew it, there were fresh tears running down her face because she didn’t know where her mother was, Clary’s memories of her were cut short after the day she was accepted into the Brooklyn art academy. clary then learned that her mother had passed away. She wept and sobbed. The officers thought it was because of the news but what was agonizing Clary was that she didn’t remember how or when her mother died.

  
Doctors have told her that what she was going through a case of amnesia maybe from trauma or stress after running some brain tests, but that didn’t feel right to her. She pieced her life together piece by piece, trying to build it from scratch, alone, in solitude. she went to art school again exhibited her art in galleries and found her footing in life, but the feeling of not belonging was persistent.

  
Somedays, she would get these dreams; dreams of glowing swords, tattooed skin, radiant orbs of power. When she woke up, they were almost always half forgotten. Never leaving anything that she could hold onto. This day was no different. She dreamt but all she could remember were the dark night, lurid white wings, her grip on something solid, and the feeling of liquid on her hands.

  
Clary was walking on her way back from the gallery late. It was a cool night; the breeze was lifting her hair from time to time swaying it like tree leaves. She had sold some of her paintings and was looking for a place to celebrate and get a drink. She didn’t normally seek bars, so she was exploring the city while walking down unfamiliar streets. she passed a bar named Hunter’s Moon and stopped. There was something pulling her towards it. She stared at its sign; a read moon behind a howling wolf. It seemed eerily familiar. But Clary wasn’t in the mood to ponder its familiarity. If she stopped at every little thing that she thought she saw before, she wouldn’t have carried on her life.

  
She took a step forward and opened the door. It wasn’t like the places she would go to, but she ventured in anyway. It was filled with people wearing mostly dark clothes. Many of them looked at her in an uncanny way, she carried on waking to the bar. She needed a breather and she decided it’s not the time to think about these things.

  
Clary sat down at one of the bar stools thinking about what she should order; she decided on a fruity cocktail. when she was about to open her mouth and voice her drink of the night when her eyes landed on the bartender. It was a girl with beautiful black curly hair and eyes that shone in the lights of the bar. She was captivating and Clary knows she’s staring but the girl was mixing a drink, not paying attention to her at that moment.

  
She felt a tug in her heart. It’s the same tug that she feels when she reads the weird name of the guy that buys her artworks regularly. The same tug she felt when she bumped into the two siblings with black hair at a coffee shop two weeks ago. It’s the same déjà vu feeling she feels when she returns to an empty home after an exhausting day checking her texts continuously like there’s something missing, something not in its right place.

  
This time the tug is a bit harder. Its drawing her in and she’s reaching her hand out for the girl unknowingly when her voice brings Clary out of her reverie.  
“I don’t mind you sitting here all night but it’s kind of packed so—”

  
The girl was looking at her now. For a second, she looked surprised. Her eyes widening and her hands came to a stop. It would’ve been so easy to miss if clary hasn’t been looking so intently at her. The composed herself and smirked. Clary’s heart skipped a beat at that. She was taken aback by how gorgeous the girl was.

  
“it’s better if you order something.” The girl finished snapping Clary out of her musing.

  
“Um. Yes. I… should order” Clary was sure she looked like an idiot, but the girl was still smirking at her and Clary couldn’t stop looking at her. She tried to collect her thoughts.

  
“I want a hurricane cocktail” Clary said.

  
“Right away” the girl left her spot to prepare the drink.

  
Clary waited for her drink busing herself with her phone. She was trying not to think about how fast her heart was beating or the stunning bartender, but she was quickly failing. She kept steeling glances at the girl while she was mixing her drink or serving other people. The girl caught her eyes a couple of times and smiled. Clary thought she would never see something more beautiful.

  
“Here.” The girl put her drink in front of her.

  
“Thank you.” Clary took a sip of her drink relishing in its sweetness and remembering that she came here to celebrate her small victory.

  
“You look happy” the girl said with a smile. Clary thought that the smile had a sad edge to it but quickly dismissed the thought.

  
“Good day at work, I guess”

  
Clary didn’t want their small talk to come to an end, so she continued. “I'm an artist. I mean I'm still an art student, but I sell my art at a gallery.” Clary looked at the girl who was listening to her. “Today some pieces of mine were sold. So, you could say that I'm rewarding myself.” She took another sip of her drink thinking maybe babbling in front of the very attractive girl wasn’t her best choice of action.

  
“That’s cool. Congrats.” The girl didn’t look bored with her and Clary was relieved when she carried on. “I'm Maia, by the way.”

  
Clary couldn’t shake the feeling that she should have known that. She smiled widely at Maia ignoring that feeling. “Clary.”

  
“Yeah.” Maia was smiling back at her.

  
Maia took a step toward Clary and pointed towards her shirt. “so, does being an artist entail walking with paint on your clothes?” she said teasingly.

  
“What!” Clary was confused for a moment. Then Maia pointed at her shirt again with a shrug, and Clary looked at it. There was indeed a pink spot of paint on her shirt. “Oh my god. How did I miss this? I've been walking like this all day?” she groaned, moving her hands quickly lifting her shirt a little to get a closer look at her shirt but instead her hands knocked into her glass. She tried to catch it before it fell, but some of her drink was spilled.

  
“I'm… I'm so sorry. God, what have I done!” She looked frantically through her stuff to find some tissues.

  
The sound of Maia's guttural laugh made Clary still. Maia was already wiping the spilled drink with a cloth while laughing. “you were always this cute” Maia said shaking her head lightly.

  
Clary couldn’t focus on anything other than the sound of Maia’s laughter. She forgot her embarrassment, and distantly she registered that Maia called her cute though her mind was focusing on only one thing. Clary was mesmerized. She was pretty sure that she wanted to hear that sound every day for the rest if her life. Clary was falling hard and fast. How could that single sound pull at her heartstrings that easily?

  
“It’s Okay now.” Maia said after finishing.

  
Clary teared herself out of her day dreaming. “Thank you, Maia.” Trying to continue where they left off, she wanted to keep talking to Maia.

  
“what about you? Do you only work here or are you doing other things too?” Clary asked.

  
“I actually study marine biology. And—” She looked around to see if anyone was calling her then kept on talking. “I'm trying to open my own business. It’s a small restaurant in Brooklyn.”

  
Their conversation carried itself from there. They talked and talked laughing and chattering. Sometimes Maia would leave to attend to a customer, but she would come back quickly to resume their talk. It was as if Clary knew Maia a long time ago. Talking to her was making Clary feel warm. Clary knew what a crush was, knew she liked Maia a lot she wasn’t stupid. However, what was tugging Clary towards her more than her blossoming feelings was the feeling of belonging she felt while talking to Maia.

  
For the past months, she felt like a stranger in her own body, wandering her life aimlessly. Here, with Maia was different. She ached to touch her, to ground herself in that feeling, to bathe in the feeling of someone that felt right while every other thing felt wrong.

  
-

  
Checking her phone, Clary noticed that it was getting late. “well, I’d love to stay here and talk all night, but I have an early class tomorrow.” She stood up and slid some cash enough for her drink across the bar. Before she was able to remove her hand from the bar, Maia’s hand was on hers. When clary looked at her, she was smiling her way.

  
“It was good to meet you, Clary.”

  
Clary was sure she was blushing. she looked at their hands and with a surge of courage, she flipped her hand so that she was holding Maia’s hand Stroking Maia’s knuckles with her thumb.

  
“Yeah.” Clary looked up and smiled back at her. “I will see you around, Maia.”

  
“Yeah.” Maia said gently never breaking eye contact. She squeezed Clary’s hand tenderly.

  
They were gazing at each other for longer than Clary would like to admit to herself. Standing there smiling with their hands clutched together. And in the dim light of the Hunter’s Moon, Clary found it hard to take her eyes off Maia.

  
-

  
That night, Clary’s dream was clearer, less intense. She dreamt of a cozy restaurant. She was there with a few people, three or four. She couldn’t see their faces, though she knew Maia was one of them. It was the sound of laughter in the blurred distorted dream that gave it away, it sounded a lot like Maia’s laugh in the bar. Although the dream was less ambiguous, she still couldn’t recall it with ease.

  
Clary didn’t always have these dreams. They didn’t start right after that night in the park either. They started about two months ago. She didn’t know what exactly triggered them. The day before they started, she was walking with one of her classmates. They passed that park, but that couldn’t have been the reason. She went to that place more than a few times searching for anything that could help her understand what happened to her, but to no avail.

  
The only other notable thing from that day was the strange guy that was sitting on a bench near the park. As soon as he saw her, he stood up and fled the park. She didn’t give it much attention back then. However, after meeting Maia and having that dream, she suspected that the dreams are triggered by people rather than places. Thinking back, her dream after bumping into the black-haired siblings was different than her usual ones too.

  
-

  
“So,” Maia started drawing out the word. “I met Clary.”

  
Simon, who was sitting opposite of her on the diner booth, splattered and cocked on his drink. It was a downworlder diner, so nobody gave the red liquid on his lips, which also dripped down his chin to his clothes, a second glance.

  
“Simon, that’s kind of disgusting. There’s blood everywhere now.” Maia commented through her snickering.

  
“well, you don’t just say stuff like that without a warning. You could’ve given me a heart attack.” He was trying to wipe the blood with some tissues from the ones on the table. “And I know that’s technically impossible since it isn’t beating, but still.”

  
“Okay.” Maia said nonchalantly. She didn’t know what spurred her to tell Simon maybe it was how giddy she felt from their meeting, maybe she wanted to share her happiness with someone.

  
“When did you meet her? And what exactly does ‘meeting’ her refer to? Because I met her, and you already know how that went.” Simon questioned while cleaning his face.

  
“No, I didn’t run away like a maniac the second I saw her if that’s what you are asking” making sure the spot in front of her was blood free, Maia put her elbows on the table. “She came to Hunter’s Moon. We actually talked though she doesn’t remember anything, but we know that.” Maia smiled faintly reliving the few hours she spent with Clary, how she kept staring at her, how flustered she got when Maia caught her eyes, the feel of Clary’s soft hand holding hers firmly, and how Maia barely held back the ‘don’t go’ that was on the tip of her tongue.

  
Regaining her composure, she glanced at Simon to see that he had a dejected look on his face. Simon and Clary were best friends, there was no doubt in Maia’s guts that he missed her gravely.

  
“she looked fine, Simon. She’s doing fine.” Maia assured. “And I steered away from any topic that could be related to her memories. I know it could backfire.”  
“I just miss her. And I feel so helpless that we can’t do anything about it.” Simon sighed.

  
“I understand. Trust me I do.” Maia said touching his shoulder soothingly and stood up.

  
“What did you talk about them?” Simon inquired standing up as well pulling a few dollars and leaving them on the table for his drink.  
“I think she was flirting with me.” Maia said in a secretive tone paying for her food as well.

  
“and?” Simon urged walking out of the diner with her.

  
“I kind of flirted back?”

  
“interesting.”

  
Maia gave him an incredulous look that he laughed out loud at seeing.

  
“She did have a thing for you.” He muttered.

  
Maia couldn’t hear him. she wanted to change the subject as quickly as she could so instead of asking him to repeat himself, she said. “come on let’s get out of here. I still have to fill the papers for the restaurant.”

  
-

  
Clary went back to Hunter’s Moon to see Maia three days later. She longed to see Maia again. She couldn’t shake Maia’s image out of her mind. She kept mistaking people for Maia whenever she looked around her. Even her dreams didn’t occupy her mind the last few days as Maia did. It helped that they were somewhat tamed compared to how they were. Today she dreamt about her old house with her mother and two other figures in it, of a packed nightclub, of an old towering Victorian building. That was all she could remember.

  
When Clary entered Hunter’s Moon, she noticed the same creepy looks that was directed her way and wondered what was so different about her that made them question her presence in the bar. Averting her eyes from them she headed towards an empty bar stall. Maia was serving a drink to one of the customers. Though when clary sat down, Maia noticed her. Maia glimpsed at Clary giving her a stifled smile which made Clary grin in return.

  
Clary observed Maia as she was finishing what she was doing wondering how she could get more stunning than when she met her three days ago. Clary couldn’t keep her eyes off her. She marveled at every bit of Maia; would her hair feel as soft as it looks, would holding her hand give her the same feeling as last time, how would her lips feel against her skin.

  
“I see you came back” Maia’s voice startled Clary so she said the first thing that came to her mind.

  
“Wanted to see you again.” She blurted. Realizing what she said she rectified. “No, that not what I meant. I mean yes I wanted to see you but—" She stole a glance at Maia who was smiling radiantly at her.

  
“well, it’s good to see you again, Clary” Maia said, and Clary beamed. Maia remembered her name.

  
“yeah” Clary cleared her throat. “you too.” Clary attempted to regain her composure, trying to neglect how she probably made an idiot out of herself in front of a very attractive girl. “so, what’re you up to?”

  
“I was actually preparing to leave. My shift ends in ten minutes.” Maia answered. Clary was sure she looked disappointed.

  
“Oh, you don’t work full time here anymore?”

  
“anymore? No, I help here until I open my own place, the one that I told you about.”

  
“yes, I remember that. The one you were going to name after your dog right.”

  
Maia nodded. She was called by one of the customers but before she left, she said. “tell you what, wait for me and we can catch up after I’m done?”

  
“Okay, I’d love that.” Clary was sure her whole demeanor radiated excitement.

  
-

  
Some time later, they were strolling down the streets side by side casually talking. Clary couldn’t shake the idea that this seemed a lot like a date, though none of them confirmed it. They were amid a conversation when Clary spotted an ice cream shop. Without thinking she stopped, grapping Maia’s hand, she urged her towards it.

  
“Where are we going?” Maia exclaimed though she didn’t pull her hand back.

  
“Ice cream. You’ll love it.”

  
With ice cream bowls in their hands they resumed walking. it wasn’t a hot day, but it was humid, so the ice cream was just right. The street wasn’t crowded with a car occasionally passing by. There was a slight breeze to the air that carried the woody fall. beside Clary, Maia hummed.

  
“this is so delicious. You could’ve warned me though instead of grabbing me and running.” Maia teased.

  
“My brain short circuited when I saw the shop.” Clary gave a small laugh biting down the ‘I wanted you to try it’ on the tip of her tongue. They walked leisurely, Clary was buzzing with joy. Being with Maia like this made her at ease. It was relaxing still she couldn’t help the spike in her heart beats whenever Maia smiled at her.

  
“I can see why.” Maia glanced at Clary and halted. She was stifling a laugh so much that her cheeks were had a red tint to them. Clary was too focused on her to question what was so funny.

  
Maia lifted her hands and swiped her thumb over Clary’s lips and under it a couple of times. Clary was certain that all of her was focused on the sensation of Maia’s finger on her lips, so when said finger came into her view with sprinkles and chocolate on it, she was startled.

  
“You had sprinkles all over your face.” Maia laughed giving up on trying to stop it. “You should’ve seen yourself. Oh my god.”

  
At this point, Clary surrendered to the fact that no matter what she did, she was going embarrassed herself in front of Maia. Despite that, she thought that maybe seeing Maia laugh so freely was worth it. “Maia, stop laughing.” Clary wined drawing out Maia’s name though she was giggling a little herself.

  
“Okay, okay. You were so cute, it was ridiculous.” Maia ceased laughing, but she was giggling at Clary’s giggles.

  
Clary blushed at Maia calling her cute thinking that it was totally worth it again. She tried to cover her blush by talking Maia’s hand again and walking.  
“come on, let’s keep walking.” she couldn’t help the smile that was tattooed on her face when she was with Maia.

  
“Hmm.” Maia nodded squeezing Clary’s hand.

  
-

  
Afterwards Clary made it a habit to visit that bar and chat up with Maia whenever she could. Eventually they exchanged phone numbers which would have meant that could talk to her over text instead of going there, but she went anyway. Clary found warmth in Maia’s presence that she couldn’t decipher. She felt like she was on clouds while talking to Maia, like she was standing in the warm sun rays on a winter day.

  
Every time Maia looked at her with these shining brown eyes, Clary had to hold back from kissing her. Every time Maia touched her whether it was a simply her hand on her shoulder or a goodbye hug, Clary felt an electric buzz go through her. She craved being with Maia. It was as if these past months Clary was walking in a desert, parched, and Maia was her salvation. Clary loved the sensation of drinking up whatever Maia has to offer.

  
Clary felt safe enough with her to tell her about what has happened to her. About the loneliness, the longing, what the doctors said, and about feeling lost in her life. Through all of it Maia listened, never interrupting her, never pitting her just nodding her head and squeezing her hand whenever Clary couldn’t carry on speaking. After Clary finished Maia hugged her tightly. Clary reveled in her warmth burrowing her head in Maia’s shoulder because Maia felt like home more that empty apartment that she returns to everyday.

  
It was healing to be able to tell someone her story. It made Clary’s life a bit easier, Maia’s presence in her life made it easier; easier to endure, to go through, to face. She wanted to share more with her. She wanted to alleviate the weight of the secretes and Maia was a welcoming like a warm blanket in winter nights.

  
-

  
“Can I tell you something?”

  
It was a quiet night at the Hunter’s Moon with less people than you could count on two hands in there. Clary and Maia were talking, Maia behind the bar while Clary was on one of the bar stools.

  
“Anything.”

  
“I am… having weird dreams.” Clary swallowed. “…They started a little over two months ago.”

  
Clary wanted to tell someone about her dreams for the longest time but was afraid of people’s reactions. She was someone that couldn’t remember a chunk of her life. People would assume she lost her mind. But Maia was different, opening to her about her problems was effortless.

  
“What kind of dreams?” Maia inquired.

  
“I…. I don’t know how to describe them.” Clary started fiddling with her hands. “I think they are about a war of some kind. No, not all of them. But most.”  
Maia was silent for a bit. “Are they bothering you?” she was looking worriedly at Clary. Clary took in Maia’s expression wondering momentarily why she looked so concerned.

  
“No. I mean…. Yes.” Clary looked Maia in the eyes and continued “Maia, I know that this may sound crazy to you, but…. I think they are my memories. The memories of who I was before I found myself alone in that park.” Clary inhaled deeply. “it’s. it’s creepy. I dream of blood and swords. There are dead people… A lot of them. I see people that I should know. I know that I should know them. But I can’t.” she let out a shaky breath, eyes looking anywhere but Maia.

  
“People with some calligraphic tattoos. No. Not tattoos. They are runes. I don’t know how I know that! I see vampires? I don’t know. Werewolves maybe too. But these are mystical creatures right? Then why do I… they looked real. Everything looked too real. It’s. it’s as if. I saw them. And. and There is, I—"

  
“Hey, Clary. Calm down” Maia cupped Clary’s face with both of her hands. Clary’s breath came out in ragged and labored puffs which She didn’t notice while rambling. Her hands were shaking. Maia’s waist was pressed to the bar edge so she could be closer to Clary.

  
“It’s okay, Clary. You’re okay” Maia stroked Clary’s cheek with her thumb and Clary nuzzled into her touch closing her eyes trying to regain her composure. She fisted her hands in Maia’s shirt to stop their tremor. Taking small breaths in and out. She was freaking out, thinking about her dreams always made her freak out. The first time she had a dream, she had to skip class to calm herself down.

  
Clary’s breathing settled after a while and she nodded to Maia who slowly moved away. Clary dreaded the moment Maia’s hands left her face.

  
Maia rounded the bar. sitting on the stall next to Clary’s, she held Clary’s hand rubbing reassuring circles on her wrist.

  
“You don’t have to force yourself to talk about it.” Maia said softly.

  
“Do you believe me?” Clary asked. She knew how crazy what she said sounded. She knew that no person in their right mind would normally believe her story. Still, she needed the reassurance. even if it was just pretty words, she needed someone to accept it for what it is.

  
“yeah. Believe me I do.” Maia affirmed, pulling herself towards Clary so their knees were touching.

  
A few moments of quietude passed before Clary spoke again. “Do you know what the first thing that I learned about myself was?” she sucked in a breath, looking at their enclasped hands. She wanted to get everything out in the open. No matter how it would hurt her she needed to affirm her suspicion. “It was that my mother was dead. And I—"

  
“Clary—"

  
“I don’t remember anything about that, Maia. Nothing” she whispered not trusting her voice not to break. “I had a father or a father figure at least” Clary looked at Maia who looked at her like she was giving Clary every drop of her attention.

  
“Luke. I began recalling pieces of memories about him a week ago.” Clary could feel her eyes glistering thinking of her old house with her mother and Luke, she carried on. “I’m terrified of looking for him. What if, like mom, he was—" Clary’s voice broke at that. She bit her quivering lower lip. A single traitorous tear escaped her eyes.

  
“Clary. Clary. Baby.” Maia’s arms were around her shoulders tugging her into Maia’s embrace, and Clary let her, encircling her own hands around Maia. Her hand was patting Clary’s hair slowly. “Trust me Clary. I’m sure he’s fine.” She murmured.

  
Something in Clary moved at Maia’s words. A sob escaped her lips as she burrowed her face in Maia’s shoulder, hands clutching at her shirt. It may have been the certainty with which Maia spoke, or how gently she uttered these words, Clary didn’t know. Clary was basking in Maia’s cozy embrace, Maia’s hand working its way through Clary’s hair and Clary was remined once more of how safe Maia felt.

  
After a while Clary’s sobs subdued, she relaxed in Maia’s embrace enjoying her warmth.

  
“It’s okay now Clary. You have me.” Maia murmured against Clary’s hair. Clary felt her fingers tighten around Maia involuntarily. Maia’s words, they were true, clary was struck by that thought. Clary always felt okay with Maia, she felt more than that. She was happy, she forgot her distant feeling of longing, she felt like she had everything she needed with Maia around. She had Maia, and she was thankful to whoever god that made meeting her happen.

  
She pushed herself out of Maia’s arms a little so she could see her face. Maia was beautiful, that’s something Clary noticed when she first laid eyes on her. But up close like this with only a few inches between them, she was breathtaking. Clary could count her eyelashes, could feel Maia’s breath on her lips, could stare endlessly into her brown eyes. Clary felt overwhelmed by the intensity of her feelings towards Maia.

  
One of Maia’s hands was still on her shoulder while the other was cupping her face. Clary’s stomach was tingling, her heart was beating fast, her hands were on Maia’s waist. Maia cocked her head to the side a tiny bit, parting her mouth and Clary couldn’t resist her anymore. She surged forward closing the few inches separating them capturing Maia’s lips with hers.

  
She has been resisting kissing Maia since the first time she saw her. Maia made a small noise of surprise but kissed back instantly tangling the hand that was on Clary’s shoulder in her hair. Clary’s heart was fluttering with Maia’s soft lips moving against hers. Her whole being was urging her to cling to Maia. she wanted nothing but to lose herself in the feeling of being enveloped by Maia’s warmth.

  
After they separated. Slowly clary opened her eyes, Maia was gazing at her. She moved her thumbs to wipe the tears on Clary’s cheeks, and clary couldn’t help but lean in her touch closing her eyes again and sighing. She never wanted to leave Maia’s embrace. Clary knew that what she was feeling was probably extreme considering she only met Maia some weeks ago. Yet, she couldn’t help her feelings. Every second she spent with Maia drew Clary more to her.

  
“I think these visions or dreams are linked to certain people.” Clary declared, opening her eyes again and moving her fingers along the scars on Maia’s neck. She didn’t flinch or move away. Clary saw these scars before but never this close. They looked like claw marks, viscous, angry.

  
“whenever I encounter certain people, my dreams become clearer. As if they have a goal, they’re trying to make me see something.” Maia wasn’t looking at her. She moved back but not enough that clary couldn’t still touch her. Her hands left Clary all at once. Clary despised being that far after finally grasping what it feels like to be in Maia’s embrace. Despite that, she needed to voice her thoughts.

  
“You’re one of these people, Maia” Clary resumed, searching Maia’s face. “What are you keeping from me?”

  
After a few moments of silence Maia responded. “Clary I can’t tell you.” She was still avoiding eye contact.

  
“Why?” Clary Pleaded.

  
“Because—" Maia spat, her voice rising some octaves. She finally looked at Clary. Her eyes ware full of grief and frustration. Clary wanted to reach out and comfort her, but she had to hear this.

  
“We don’t know what would happen if we tell you.” Maia’s voice was weak “I don’t know. And I’m afraid, Clary, because if I tell you, and the next day I lose you again!” she bit her lips, face scrunched up in pain. “I won’t be able to handle that.” She held Clary’s hands in hers firmly. “what did this to you is a being more powerful than anything you can imagine. We can’t risk it. We can’t risk you. Your memories are already trying to resurface. Let’s wait and see what happens with them okay?”

  
Clary was stunned silence. It was one thing for Maia to say that she believed Clary, but it was another thing all together to affirm its veracity. The way Maia talked, the wrench oozing from her every syllable astounded Clary. It made her want to know more. She didn’t like being in the dark about herself, not when she was so close to knowing the truth. But at the same time, she didn’t want to push Maia further. She wished to be able to wipe the pain from her face.

  
Clary was frustrated; frustrated because of her helpless situation. She wanted answers, she needed them. It made her angry. If she was meant to never know her past, then why did she meet Maia! Why did she dream about it! Fate was cruel, and it seems like it wasn’t the first time its cruelty manifested itself in her life.

  
“Clary, say something.” Maia pleaded still holding Clary’s hands.

  
“I need to go.” Clary averted Maia’s eyes standing up and gathering her things. She was about to open the door when she felt Maia’s hand on her wrist stopping her. She turned around looking Maia straight in the eyes.

  
“If you don’t want to tell me then let me leave.”

  
“I told you it’s not safe.”

  
“well, I’m willing to risk it.”

  
“I’m not. Clary, you were always this stubborn. God, how did I forget that. Listen to me. We’ll sit down and we’ll talk, alright? I’m not letting you go out like this.” Clary didn’t know how she looked like for Maia to say that. She yanked her wrist from Maia’s grip crossing her hands. She willed herself not to succumb urge of wanting to touch Maia after seeing the hurt on her features.

  
“I’m listening.”

  
“The way we lost you, it was hard on all of us. Nobody predicted that it could happen. We were stunned. Knowing that you’re out there in the word alone and we can’t help you. We felt powerless… Each of us has been trying to help you in our own way without you noticing which is probably how you met these people you were talking about.” Maia took a step towards Clary. “you remembering anything is a miracle, Clary. However tiny the pieces you remember, they are important, they are hope, and we can’t just throw away that hope recklessly.

  
Clary you have to understand. Telling you, now, could return us to the starting point. Maybe for you, you wouldn’t remember again, but for us? For me? That would break me Clary… I know what I’m saying might sound selfish to you but please just trust me.”

  
Clary was speechless. Maia’s words held a huge weight to them that even she could feel. Maia’s eyes ware glistering. Clary was aware of how her voice broke a few times while talking no matter how she tried to hide it. Looking at Maia like that made the anger seep out of Clary. If Maia wanted Clary to trust her, then she would have all Clary’s trust. Clary was startled by how willing she was to give Maia anything she asked for.

  
“Okay.” Clary muttered.

  
“Okay?”

  
“yeah. But could you at least answer my questions about the things that I do remember? I could use a bit less stress.”

  
“I can do that” Maia said giving Clary a crooked smile.

  
They sat down again. The bar was empty but for the two of them, most customers already left when they started their conversation. It was getting late Clary noted.

  
“So, about Luke. What you said…” Clary started.

  
“He’s more than fine Clary.”

  
“That’s good.”

  
-

  
Maia was on her way to the New York institute. She contemplated telling everyone about what happened the other night with Clary and decided that it would be better to do so. She felt a selfish urge to keep Clary all to herself, but she smoldered it. She was beyond elated that Clary trusted her enough to tell her all of that, to open her heart to her, to kiss her though it wouldn’t be fair to keep that tiny slither of hope all to herself. These people cared about Clary just as much as she did. They were her family, her friends.

  
Maia texted Simon an hour ago telling him to gather Izzy and Jace and wait for her. The rest of them weren’t in New York. She made her way down the main ops of the institute. When she was in front of the office of the head of the institute, she took a deep breath and opened the door.

  
Inside, Izzy and Jace were sitting on the coach by the window while Simon was standing up, she cut him mid-sentence when she entered.

  
“Maia.” He exclaimed.

  
“come on in.” Izzy invited smiling her way. Maia made her way to the three of them standing beside Simon.

  
“So, what did want to talk about that would involve all the three of us? I thought the head of the institute was enough when dealing with pack affairs.” Jace inquired arching his eyebrow.

  
“It’s about Clary.”

  
The way the mood of the room shifted would have been comical from an outside point of view. Their laid-back demeanor turned almost into hostile stances. They were worried Maia knew so she carried on talking.

  
“She’s starting to regain her memories.” Maia declared.

  
“What?”

  
“Huh!”

  
Izzy and Jace questioned with Jace standing up.

  
“She told you that?” Simon asked.

  
“What do you mean she told her? How would she? What are you hiding?” Jace was taking a step towards her with every question he asked.

  
“Calm down you two.” Izzy stood up. She put her hand on Jace’s shoulder pushing him out of Maia’s face. “Can you explain, Maia?”

  
Maia took a step back and sat down on one of the chairs opposite the lone desk in the room. She gathered her courage knowing well what type of reaction hiding Clary from them may elicit and spoke.

  
“Clary came to the Hunter’s Moon three weeks ago. And we talked.”

  
“three weeks—”

  
“Let her finish Jace.” Izzy warned.

  
“back then she didn’t show any signs that she remembered anything, but I guess if she found that place on her own, then that’s not true.” Maia whispered the last part to herself. “I thought it was a one-time thing. I mean, most of us had already bumped into her once. But she came again, and again.” Maia kept the part about them getting closer and the obvious flirting to herself.

  
“yesterday, she told me that she was having dreams about the shadow world. She doesn’t remember much but she said that her dreams were getting clearer, more lucid.” Maia took a deep breath exhaling slowly, looking at their hopeful expressions before resuming. “She suspected that I know about her past and wanted me to tell her everything, but I refused.”

  
“What! Why?” Simon looked at her incredulously.

  
“It’s too dangerous.” It was Jace who answered him. “we don’t know what Raziel would do if we go against his will.”

  
“but if her memories are coming back, wouldn’t that mean that he changed his will or something.” Simon asked.

  
“We can’t be sure.” Izzy added.

  
It was funny how their conversation was almost identical to her thought process yesterday. Maia was glad that she finally told them though. She felt as if a weight was lifted from her shoulder. Still, she knew that this wasn’t all, they will want to know more, they will question her. She was silently preparing herself to that.

  
“What did she say to that? I know Clary and there is no way she accepted that.” Simon inquired.

  
“you’re right, she didn’t.”

  
Simon snorted. Both Izzy and Jace looked at him scoldingly. “Ha-ha, please continue.” He said nervously looking between the three of them. Maia was holding in her smile. The mood in the room was lighter which was good.

  
“We reached a compromise. I won’t tell her about the memories that she can’t remember, but I have to answer her questions about the ones she can remember.”

  
“That’s smart” Izzy said with Simon and Jace nodding in approval.

  
“How is she? I only see her from faraway.” Jace asked.

  
“If I said she fine, I’d be lying. She’s lonely. Sometimes her eyes stray like they’re searching for something anywhere, everywhere. It’s disheartening to see her like that to be honest.”

  
“but she’s remembering which means there’s hope.” Izzy interjected.

  
“Yeah.” Maia gave a small smile in response. “She wants to meet Luke, actually.”

  
“She remembers him?” Simon hesitated.

  
“Yes, only him, out of all of us, for now. But she doesn’t know that he’s a Shadowhunter or that he was a werewolf. She only knows him as her father figure.”  
“He’d be elated.” Simon said with a sad smile. Maia thought that maybe she should have worded it nicer because she looked at Izzy and Jace and ‘they both looked equally subdued.

  
“I don’t see a problem in that.” Jace said.

  
“as long as she remembers him. It’s okay, I think. I will call him and arrange for him to return as soon as possible.” Izzy informed them. “and Maia, thank you.” Maia nodded.

  
-

The following month was a blur for Clary. She met look 2 days after that night at Hunter’s Moon. The second she saw him she ran into his embrace. He held her with a firm strong grip that she didn’t realize she missed until she was in his arms. She felt relieved, she cried, she felt at home. Ever since he came back, he never left. They moved to a new apartment, one that she was eager to go home to. The feeling of coming home to her family waiting for her was delightful.  
Of course, there were day that she didn’t know where he went or days where he didn’t some home, but she didn’t question him. She agreed to wait for her memories. These days though he would always call or text to check on her.

  
Clary’s memories where still trickling in slowly. She knows that she one of the people that had the tattoos, the runes which she started to see from time to time on certain people along with other things. She knew that there was some kind of an organization for these people. More than anything, her memories with Luke were the most prominent in her dreams. Clary thought that it was because she saw him a lot, but that didn’t make sense as she saw Maia almost every day and still only remembers that she’s a werewolf.

At some point after 3 weeks, she remembered Simon. It wasn’t as subtle or as slow as she when she remembered Luke. Her memories of him flooded her mind in a single night, she woke up with a terrible headache then. Meeting him was a lot like meeting Luke though more crying and sniffling was involved. Her life was starting to shape up, the feeling of longing never left her, but it was a lot less intense.

Then there was Maia. When she first met her, she reckoned that the safety she felt with her was due to her relation to her memories. She couldn’t have been more mistaken. What she felt when she was with Maia was so different than with Luke or Simon. Clary’s heart never stopped fluttering every time she saw Maia. Her kisses left an electrifying sensation all over Clary’s body. Being with Maia was gratifying, Clary never wanted to leave her side.

Meeting Simon and Luke only made Clary more aware of her feelings towards Maia. The three of them were related to her past. Still her soul only ached to be with Maia. Her whole being was drawing Clary in, and she was more than happy to oblige.

-

It was a quiet night. Clary and Maia were lying in bed, Maia on her back and Clary on her side facing Maia. Clary's hand was between Maia's, she played with her hand stroking it gently from time to time or just intertwining their fingers. It was peaceful, staying in bed like this with nothing on her mind, away from the loud visions and dreams. They were getting more vivid although they left her with headaches more frequently these days.

Clary was observing Maia, her serene features, with a fond smile on her lips. She loved Maia, it didn’t take her long to figure that out. That discovery didn’t surprise her though. The intensity of her feelings towards Maia could only lead to few things. In her musing Clary noticed Maia’s pinched eyebrows.

“What’s wrong?” Clary wondered moving slightly closer to Maia. It took a few seconds for Maia to answer, she stopped tangling her hands with Clary's hand.

“Nothing.” Maia responded, but Clary could sense her tribulation. She moved her hand from where it rested on Maia's stomach cupping her face to turn it towards her.

“Maia, talk to me.” Clary murmured softly. Maia took some time to gaze at Clary's eyes before answering.

“It's just. Your memories are returning. And I'm afraid. Not from them no, I’m happy they’re coming back. It’s, Clary,” Maia moved her whole body to face Clary better. Clary’s eyes never left hers reassuring. “I'm afraid that once you remember everything you wouldn’t want me anymore.”

“There’s no version of me that wouldn’t want you.” Clary enunciated every word carefully so Maia could get them. For Clary the idea of not wanting to be with Maia was blasphemous. She needed Maia to understand that.

“You’re saying this now, but we knew each other Clary. And this? We weren’t like that.” Maia's voice was only above a whisper. Clary wanted nothing but to soothe her.

“Maia, that night that I told you about the dreams, remember what you told me? You said to trust you.” Clary moved closer so her forehead was touching Maia's she looked intently in her eyes affirming. “Trust me, there is no one that I would want to be with other than you, even if I get all my memories back. Maia, I love you.”

Maia’s eyes widened a fraction. Clary only noticed the confession after it was out of her mouth. She was nervous of Maia’s response. Maybe it wasn’t the right time to say it. She shut her eyes waiting for Maia. She felt a barely-there touch on her lips. Stealing a glance to know that Maia was kissing her, she closed them again pressing against Maia's mouth.

They parted and Maia murmured teasingly. “I love you too, if that wasn’t obvious enough.”

Clary was sure her soul left her. She felt light, warm, delighted, she couldn’t contain that grin that spread across her face. Without wasting a second, she kissed Maia again. It was clumsy with teeth clashing as they couldn’t contain their smiles.

Maia's hands were playing with Clary's hair. Clary’s hand with stroking Maia's cheek tenderly. The kiss turned into something more passionate, their lips moving against each other nibbling and sucking. After what seemed like lifelong minutes, they separated their breath mingling.

“I'm serious Maia. I would never leave you. It wouldn’t even take another angel wiping my memories to make me leave you.” Clary finished her sentence by giving Maia's lips another kiss, not realizing what she said.

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to add a scene or two more but thought this would be a better ending if I ever got around to polishing them, I may post them too.  
Originally I wanted to draw a few scenes from this, I decided to write them down first so they woudn't be too vague, it escalated and I ended up with a 7.8K fic. I will still draw the scenes though, but in the future.  
I hope you liked it, kudos and comments are appreciated.


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